


Shadows

by damnnjoon



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Cutting, Death, Depression, ILY, Loss of loved one, M/M, Suicide, non idol universe, ok, please dont read this if it will trigger you i love you all, read these tags, so you dont get triggered or hurt, suicide warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 01:01:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6634708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damnnjoon/pseuds/damnnjoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shadow, I love you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadows

**FOR THOSE WHO NEGLECTED TO READ THE TAGS: THERE ARE MENTIONS OF SUICIDE IN THIS WORK**

_"You'll always be with me, right?"_

_Jinyoung turns over to face his boyfriend, a slightly incredulous look gracing his features. "I don't think I've ever given you any reason to doubt that I will."_

_Mark sighs, a soft sound that Jinyoung only ever hears in times like this, when the two of them are alone in their shared apartment and cloaked in darkness and sleep and a quiet sadness that seems to emanate from Mark. "I know. I just worry, sometimes."_

_"Don't. I can worry enough for the both of us." Jinyoung rests his right hand gently against Mark's cheek, runs a thumb over the skin right under his sleepless, slightly sunken eyes. The curtains, having been pulled together only haphazardly before the two of them had collapsed onto the bed from tiredness, let through a ray of moonlight. It falls on Mark's face, illuminating it._

_Jinyoung can see every mole, every freckle, how pronounced the bags under his boyfriend's eyes are. In the dark, everything's a little bit more obvious._

_Even emotions._

_Jinyoung presses his lips to Mark's forehead, pulling him into his chest. He's hyperaware of every nerve in his body and in Mark's - how the elder's eyelashes are fluttering against his collarbone, how his feet are level with Mark's ankles, how the other is grabbing onto his shirt like he's a lifeline. Mark's scared, and so is Jinyoung, about what - the latter isn't so sure. For Mark and for what he is so terrified of, he supposes. The only problem is that he doesn't know what that is._

_"I can't sleep." Mark mumbles into the strap of Jinyoung's tank top. The younger lets out a breathe he had been holding._

_"Do you want your pills?" He brushes Mark's bangs out of his face with one hand and uses the other to rub circles into his boyfriend's back. Mark's hair tickles him as the elder nods, and Jinyoung pulls him ever closer. He turns onto his back, careful to keep a hand on his boyfriend. With his left hand he opens and searches blindly through his bedside table's drawers, fingers eventually curling around the orange prescription bottle._

_He sits up, expertly unscrewing the lid and tipping one pill of Seconal into his palm. Jinyoung places the bottle away, back where he found it, and grabs a water bottle he keeps for this purpose instead._

_Mark gets up as well, taking a pill into one hand and the bottle into his other. After a moment he drops the pill onto his tongue and swallows a gulp of water to wash it down._

_"Go to sleep," Jinyoung smiles lovingly at his boyfriend, even though he knows it isn't that simple. "You have an appointment tomorrow."_

_"With the shrink." Mark's voice is almost nonchalant, but Jinyoung can hear the resistance, and what seems to be pain, in his voice._

_"She's trying to help." Jinyoung kisses the elder's forehead again, taking the water bottle from his hand and putting it away. Mark sighs again, then sniffs._

_"I'm tired." He slots his fingers through Jinyoung's as they both slip back under the covers. He doesn't mean in the sleep way, and Jinyoung knows. Nevertheless, he whispers a 'sleep' into Mark's hair once more._

_"Shadow, I love you." Mark says after a moment, looking up at Jinyoung adoringly. The younger smiles softly at the nickname._

_"I love you too."_

* * *

He's lasted four months.

It's been four months, and Jinyoung knows that he needs to get off of Youngjae's couch and find his own place. He still pays rent on the apartment, on his and Mark's apartment. 

It's been four months, and Jinyoung knows that he needs to stay away from that place for the rest of his life.

It's been four months, and Jinyoung knows that he needs Mark back, just as he knows that that will never, even happen again.

"Jinyoung?" The individual in question looks up, a disoriented expression that's been almost constantly in place since the night it happened etched into his face. "It's time for dinner."

Youngjae looks expectant, even though he already knows the answer he'll receive. As always, Jinyoung thanks him but politely declines. He turns back to his previous position - facing the back of the couch and away from Youngjae. Jinyoung knows it's unfair on the younger, feels apologetic. After all, he was Mark's friend. Youngjae and Mark had been roommates in college, even. 

But Youngjae hadn't known Mark the way Jinyoung had. Hadn't known every expression, emotion, every type of laugh Mark had. Jinyoung did. He knew all of them. Nobody else on God's green earth could say the same about their relationship with Mark Tuan. 

And nobody else had found Mark Tuan's cold, dead body in their shared apartment one life-changing day after work.

Jinyoung curls into himself, willing his mind to stop. It works - he drifts off to a troubled, dreamless sleep quickly, having stayed up the night before unable to move from sadness.

Youngjae takes this opportunity to call Mark's old therapist. He glances at Jinyoung, fast asleep on his couch, as he waits for the call to get through. 

"Hello?" A feminine voice on the other end asks. 

Youngjae lets out a soft breath.

"I've called to schedule an appointment."

* * *

_Jinyoung pushes open the door to the apartment while simultaneously pulling his keys out of the lock. Setting his bag down and hanging his coat up on the rack, Jinyoung slips off his shoes._

_"Mark?" He calls, going into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of much needed red wine. Jinyoung doesn't get a reply._

_"Mark?" The younger repeats, brows furrowing together. He sets the wine glass down on the counter and brushes his hands on his trousers. For some reason, his heart is in his throat. As he nears their bedroom door, he hears a sniffing sound._

_Jinyoung breathes slightly easier._

_"Mark." He says quietly, pushing open the door to find his boyfriend perched on the edge of the bed, silent sobs wracking his body._

_"Oh, God." Jinyoung whispers. He sits down beside Mark and wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him in. "What's wrong, dim sum?" The elder swallows loudly, closes his eyes for a moment. Mark wipes away his own tears with his sweater covered hands. His breaths are shaky._

_"I...I just got scared. About life and living. It's a lot to think about, and exactly what I hate thinking about." Mark hiccups quietly. He turns so his face is burrowed into Jinyoung's dress shirt, who in turn places his chin on his boyfriend's crown._

_The younger says nothing, just holds his boyfriend. After a while the sobs turn into shallow breaths, which revert back to Mark's typical breathing soon after._

_"You want to go out?" Mark asks, and Jinyoung looks at him in surprise before he can stop himself. Mark grins up at him, a welcome site to Jinyoung, who's missed his love's smile._

_"You're sure?" The other can't help but ask, worry laced in his words. He doesn't want to have to prepare dinner, but he also doesn't want to force his boyfriend into something he's not comfortable with. To his silent relief Mark nods._

_"There's this new Thai restaurant that opened up down the street. I've been wanting to try it."_

_Jinyoung stands up and smiles, outstretching his hand. "I don't know where it is, so after you, good sir." Mark laughs for the first time in what feels like eons, and Jinyoung feels himself relax. Mark's laugh has always been his favorite sound, and has the effect music has on others - makes him feel relaxes and warm, as if everything is okay._

_His boyfriend takes his hand and pulls himself up._

_Later, as they're walking the two blocks to the restaurant, hand-in-hand, Jinyoung slightly behind as Mark maneuvers the two of them through the busy city sidewalks, the younger can't help but think it's nice, for once, to be the one following, and it's nice, for once, to see Mark not hurt but instead seeming really, truly, alive. If he could live like this, Jinyoung thinks, for the rest of his life - sometimes Mark's loving shadow, sometimes the inverse, it wouldn't be all too bad._  

* * *

Saying that Jinyoung is pissed is an understatement.

"Look, Jinyoung, I don't care if you don't ever speak to me again." Youngjae begins, before letting out a sad sigh. "I know that it hurts, I do. I also know that I'll never, ever know what you're going through, but I do know that you can be helped, and she can help you." 

Jinyoung looks away, pointedly not looking at the younger man. Youngjae continues.

"Please, Jinyoung, at least go. You don't have to say anything, just go, at least." 

The room is silent for a moment. Then Jinyoung swallows and nods. He turns to look at Youngjae, and the younger is taken aback by how dark Jinyoung's eyes seem. They look utterly empty.

"I won't talk." His voice is hoarse from unuse, but Youngjae is relieved to find that there is a remnant of what he used to be still obvious in his voice. The younger nods in response and opens his mouth to speak, not sure of what he's about to say himself. Jinyoung, however, looks down at his hands, obviously dismissing Youngjae.

"I'm just helping him." He mutters to himself as a kind of way to ease his quickly growing misgivings and reassure himself.

"The appointment's at 2, tomorrow." Youngjae says louder so that Jinyoung can hear.

This time, there's no response. 

Youngjae can't say he's surprised.

* * *

_"Are you ever sad, Nyoung?" Mark asks as Jinyoung enters the kitchen, drying his hair off from his shower._

_"Hm?" The younger asks, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist from behind and nuzzling into Mark's neck as the elder cooks. Neither of them are great chefs, but Mark can make incredible soup. Jinyoung is glad - he isn't well known for his cooking skills when it comes to anything not involving ramen._

_"Are you ever sad? I mean, I know that you are, of course, but..." Mark trails off, unsure of how to word his question, his lighthearted tone contrasting heavily with his words._

  _"No." Jinyoung responds. He runs his hands up and down Mark's side, eliciting a laugh from his boyfriend. Mark is easily the most ticklish person Jinyoung has ever met._

_"You aren't?" Mark turns the stove off and turns around, resting his arms on Jinyoung's shoulders. Jinyoung shakes his head._

_"I'm only sad when you aren't there with me." The younger smiles, leaning down and kissing Mark. His grip on Mark's waist tightens as Jinyoung feels Mark's tongue slide deeper into his mouth._

_"That's funny," Mark says when they break apart, cheeks red and eyes sparkling. "I'm only sad when you aren't with me, too."_

_"Everyone needs their shadow." Jinyoung responds as he grazes Mark's ear with his teeth. The elder's breath quickens, and Jinyoung knows his heart is beating faster too. Horniness, probably. Love, definitely. Maybe something else - neither is quite sure._

_"Are we going to eat?" Mark smiles, perfect teeth looking whiter than usual, probably only because Jinyoung wants them on his body. The younger shakes his head, almost afraid of speaking because of what his thoughts are composed of. Everything's forgotten, however, as Mark pushes him against the island that stands in the center of the kitchen with one hand and slides the other under Jinyoung's shirt._

_"I just took a shower." The younger whines, no bite to his complaint. Mark smirks._

_"I guess we'll just have to take one together after this."_

* * *

"I knew Mark." She says softly, and even though she means well, Jinyoung is hit with a wave of hurt and locked away memories. He instantly dislikes her. 

'Shrink.' Jinyoung thinks out of distaste, the word Mark had used for her sounding strange and foreign in his own mind. How many months had he spent, forcing Mark out of bed and into acceptable clothes, making him eat breakfast, driving him and dropping him off to appointments Mark had never wanted to go to? While he is guilty, Jinyoung is not unreasonable. It isn't his fault his boyfriend is dead, and he knows it.

"I'm very sorry for your loss. He was a great person." The therapist continues, looking straight at him. Jinyoung turns his head to the side, inspecting her various degrees that hand on the wall rather than listen to her. She sighs.

"Is there anything you want to say?" 

The damning question - of course there are things he wants to say. How he thought Mark was getting better but instead was faking everything, how he should have locked up anything remotely sharp, how he should have seen it coming and stopped it and if he had he may still have Mark to wake up to and go to sleep next to every morning and night. There are millions and millions of words which Jinyoung knows he can say, should say. He just doesn't have the strength to say them. 

He doesn't respond.

"Okay." She sighs again, and Jinyoung thinks he would feel bad if he wasn't in a worse position than her. "I know I won't get you to open up today, but eventually I will, I'm sure of it."

Jinyoung doubts her, but he doesn't voice his opinion. He's sure it would be lost on her, anyway.

He leaves his appointment thirty minutes early, unspoken words weighting heavily on his drooping shoulders.

* * *

_Mark doesn't always go to work - he simply isn't needed in person at the office each day. Half of his days are spent working from his computer at home, and half in a stuffy office cubicle among people he really doesn't care for. Jinyoung, on the other hand, expects to stay at the courthouse prosecuting cases from very early in the morning to very late in the afternoon._

_When Mark does physically go to the office, however, it isn't unexpected for him to return home after Jinyoung. Computers and software and anything involving IT, the younger has learned, add up to Mark working long and taxing hours away from home and away from himself._

_On January 25th, Mark comes home from work earlier than Jinyoung for the first time in three years._

_He neglects to tell his boyfriend, and Jinyoung isn't entirely surprised. Mark has never been one for texting or calling, and Jinyoung hasn't minded it since they met. The only reason the younger even knows that Mark is home is that his blazer is thrown on the couch and his shoes are by the door._

_"Mark?" Jinyoung asks, receiving no response. He rids himself of his own Oxfords and blazer, placing them in their proper places. "Mark?"_

_As he does everyday, Jinyoung walks into their bedroom, stripping out of his work clothes and opting instead for pajama pants and one of Mark's old shirts. He's growing increasingly worried, but Jinyoung makes an effort to steady his breathing, in case Mark hears him and starts worrying._

_That's when he notices the bathroom door is ajar, light flooding out._

_Jinyoung hasn't seen that before. He walks towards it slowly, cautiously, almost afraid of what he'll see beyond the door. After a moment's hesitation, he pushes it open._

_In that moment, Park Jinyoung is forever changed._

* * *

"I'll drive, you don't have to drop me off." Jinyoung says, and Youngjae thinks dryly that that must be the most words the other has spoken to him in six months.

"You're sure?" Youngjae questions, although he really wants to ride to work with his boyfriend, so he's praying that Jinyoung says yes. 

"Yeah. My car's out front, anyways, and it hasn't been used in forever. I'll do it. Ride with Jaebum, or something." Jinyoung responds as if everything is okay, and although Youngjae is suddenly hit with a feeling of extreme fear and foreboding, he sighs and nods. 

"Stay safe." He grins, before dialing Jaebum and asking for a ride. Jinyoung, however, is already halfway out the door. While he is in no particular hurry to go to the shrink's office, he doesn't want to invade Youngjae's life any longer, either. 

Ten minutes later, Jinyoung is parked outside the place he doesn't want to be at most, wishing for the millionth time that his life hadn't become what it had. He breathes a deep sigh before shoving open the car door and walking into the building, outwardly looking infinitely braver than he really is. 

She doesn't say anything about how he's a good fifteen minutes late, and he's as thankful as he can be about it. 

"How are you?" Her voice is soft, as always. Jinyoung doesn't say anything.

As always. 

"Youngjae texted me and told me you drove here yourself, and that you had an actual conversation with him. That's a big step." The therapist tries drawing Jinyoung out of his silence again, her tone lighthearted even though the situation is anything but. Her effort fails, falling on deaf ears. She keeps talking, but Jinyoung tunes her out. He's found that it's easier to not speak when he acts like he's not being spoken to.

"...time for you to stop living in Mark's shadow."

Jinyoung's head snaps up, meeting his therapist's eyes with his for the first time in two months worth of regular biweekly appointments.

Shadow, he's positive he heard the word shadow.

"What?" The question slips out of its own accord, and both Jinyoung and the woman opposite him are surprised by his sudden speech. 

"I said that I think it may be time for you to try to stop living in Mark's shadow."

"You're right." Jinyoung says quietly, and stands up. "Thank you." As he makes to exit the suddenly suffocating room, she checks the time. Before she has the chance to realize that ten minutes remain in their appointment, Jinyoung is already in the elevator, car keys idle between his fingers. 

"I'm going to go back to my apartment to pick some stuff up that I missed," Jinyoung says on the phone to Youngjae as he turns the ignition key. "I'll be back after a while." 

Youngjae readily agrees, forcing Jinyoung into agreeing to call him in four hours or less. Jinyoung says yes and ends the call, but as he backs out of the parking space he knows that that's not what will happen.

* * *

_The metallic stench is what hits Jinyoung even before the door is fully pushed open, and his stomach turns just thinking of the reasons why. Even before he looks up, he's greeted by what can only be blood dripping over the edges of his porcelain bathtub onto what was once pristine white tile._

_"Mark," Jinyoung says, and says no more. His boyfriend's name is the only word with meaning for him anymore, and, anyway, his throat has closed up. He can't speak._

_Mark's body is submerged in a bathtub overflowing with water and blood. His eyes are closed, and a razor lies discarded on the ground in its own pool of blood. Jinyoung can't look at his face._

_He's sure if he went closer he'd find that the source of the blood is Mark's wrists but Jinyoung can't do it. Instead he steps back once, twice, until hes running out to the living room and emptying the contents of his stomach into the hangover bucket they keep by the couch. The phone is conveniently on one of the old brown couch's armrests, and Jinyoung dials 911 before leaning over the bucket again._

_When the operator picks up, Jinyoung is both horrified and unsurprised to find that he's unable to explain what's happened._

_"He's in the bathtub." He chokes out, before dry heaving into the bucket._

_"I'm sorry, sir, if you could explain-"_

_"Blood." Jinyoung manages to get out, aching to say more. His mind is his worst enemy, however, and he's rendered incapable._

_"Sir, I'll need your address."_

_Jinyoung is able to say his address normally before he hangs up the call. Shaking, he unlocks his front door and walks out to slide down in front of the door. Ten minutes later the ambulance have arrived, and everything after that blurs together._

_He turns away as they take Mark, or what used to be Mark, away on the gurney, wrists bandaged but blood seeping through still. A part of him hopes that the elder will be okay, that in a few weeks their life will be back to what it was. Jinyoung is anything, everything, but irrational, however, and he knows that Mark's gone._

_Mark being gone means a large part of him is gone, too._

* * *

 

The bottle of Seconal is where it always has been - the right half of the top drawer in Jinyoung's bedside table. Jinyoung doesn't pause to look around at his surroundings after he's stepped through the threshold of what once was his and Mark's home. He's afraid to, mostly. The same furniture remains as it always has, even his bed the same as it's been. Jinyoung has a goal, however, and that revolves around the bottle of sleeping pills in his hand.

"I'll stop living in Mark's shadow." Jinyoung says quietly to himself. Then he downs the entire bottle without so much as a second thought.

* * *

 

Three hours later, Youngjae and Jaebum barge through the doors to what was once Jinyoung's apartment.

"He never called, and he said he'd be here." Youngjae says to his boyfriend, breathing heavily. Jaebum, Jinyoung's best friend, expresses an equal amount of concern in his features.

"I'll take the bedroom, you search the living room for any clues as to where he might be." Jaebum tells his love, a seedling of fear taking root in his heart. Youngjae silently agrees, squatting by the coffee table and making himself busy among the piles of papers strewn across it. Not a second later, however, he hears Jaebum whisper a nearly imperceptible 'no...'.

"JB?" Youngjae stands up, ready to follow his boyfriend into Mark and Jinyoung's old bedroom. Jaebum walks out, face pale.

"Mark used to have prescribed sleeping pills." He says quietly, and Youngjae knows.

The paramedics arrive less than fifteen minutes later as Youngjae and Jaebum watch on, praying for a miracle that will never happen. 

* * *

  _Shadow, I love you._


End file.
